Drag

Everything has
Lost meaning. The grass is sun
bleached, lies itself down.

Limbo

Oh Lord, I'm still not ready.
But I'll never be ready if I keep waiting like I have been.

I have next to no idea how exactly I am going to pay for everything associated with college this semester, let alone next semester. 

Gripe

I hate February.
My dad can't stand January, but, this year at least, February is the worst month by far.


At least Listener came out with a new album. I'm just slightly ashamed that I don't know when exactly it was released, but whatever. I discovered it when I needed it. 

Nothing is effortless

So yeah. 'Tis one of those awful days where I want to write but I can't and nothing works. I don't want to write anything remotely like anything I've written before, but I try and nothing fits together. I don't want to make any effort. 

a d*** everything day (Yeah, I censor myself online on my own blog...)

You know what's really obnoxious?

Actually, I don't know what's obnoxious. That sounded like a 'guess what' question, and it was meant to be, but it's all fizzled out in my head. Whatever.

I had a lovely time painting and drawing today but it's all kinda stupid and boring and the streak turned sour in the end. I got this great idea but I completely murdered it. Completely and thoroughly butchered it. Ah well, maybe I'll figure out how to do it better at another time when I've learned a whole lot more.

I'm really bored right now. 

Tuneless dissonance, but I persist in the quest for resonance

Help me. I cannot tune a guitar, and I forwent the purchase of technology because I wanted to learn how to do it on my own, by ear first. What a sorry sot I am...

But, I persist. Beh. Joyful headaches all around! 

I'm not even going to try being optimistic. However, I'd like to think it's not as sorry and hopeless as it feels. 

Negative charge on negative charge

Underneath it all, I really do believe that life and the world are good. I believe this is all worth it, not so much that all of the garbage and static of life is worth it, but that fundamentally, living is worth it. 

One day at a time, even the days that do nothing but make the inside of my ribcage itch; even those days are worth it. The days where I want to do nothing, nothing but disappear and possibly melt into a ball of apathy and laziness and terror and quit thinking and caring and worrying and wondering about the future. I suppose that even those days are worth it. I've learned that on the whole, the good out-weighs the bad, even if the good is or seems to be so long and far in between. There's so much small good interspersed within the overwhelming bad. 

But today I don't wanna anything. I'm dragging myself through the sludge of hours by my fingernails, every cell quailing against every single responsibility and requirement. When did I get so self-centered? I want to change, but I don't want to change. I want to change, I'm so bored and tired and apathetic, and i really, I'd rather be happy and have fun, but I don't want to change because it's scary and it would require work and trying and I really just don't want to do anything. I'm bored, but I don't want to do anything. Even writing seems a little like a waste of time. I feel like everything's a waste of time, but I can't figure out what isn't a waste of time. Tug of war, I suppose. 

The thing is, I won't feel like this later, most likely. I might feel like this again, it's a possibility, but I won't feel like this later. Who shot me on Marvin's wavelength with the empathy gun or whatever it was called? Not fair. 

Ehh, it'll pass. It always does. But what do I do when or happens again? What do I do to prevent it from happening again? 

Ohm

So, I picked a cucumber from my garden last Monday. ^^ I didn't get to eat any of it though, a few people had some cucumber slices on their burritos that evening and it was all gone by the time I got around to making my own.
The cucumber was from my sweet cucumber plant, which was a little surprising. I was expecting my biggest armenian cucumber to produce first, but no, my teeny little sweet plant was the very first, whilst all of the others have nothing but small, star-like yellow flowers.
I haven't mentioned it before, but I have four cucumber plants; two armenian, one pickle, and one sweet. I've never had luck with cucumbers before in our family garden, but I always just planted those from seed. I bought mine this year as seedlings, or rather, quite a bit older than seedlings from the hardware store.
Later on Monday, or the day after, it occurred to me that I could have photographed my cucumber. True, that would have been pretty silly, but I was excited and this whole gardening on my own thing is pretty new and special to me.

March 2nd, 211. Wednesday

Day 13, a letter to Rubeus Hagrid

Dear Hagrid,
How is Fang?
I trust your groundskeeping duties have been going well.

Today's been slow and long.
Long and slow.
I wrote a poem.

A lot of this past week has been long and slow. It's stupid.
I want to go somewhere new and exciting, and I want to
do lots of new and exciting things.
It doesn't even have to involve lots of money, it could be
sledding in a new location, or learning how to ski.

I think I want summer back. I can do so much more by
myself in the summer.
This winter has been mostly really dreary and melty. I'm
sick of slush and mud. I could probably sled happily
around town if everything wasn't so cloudy and mushy.

How's the snow up at Hogwarts?
I'm willing to bet it's a whole lot better than the snow
down here.

I hope you've been doing well, and I hope that you're
making friends with lots of students, you're a really cool guy.

Love,
Amoniel

Sandy Forehead

Today was yucky. I hate yucky days.
Yesterday was not yucky, the day before that was also not yucky. But Tuesday, the day before the day before, was yucky.

I'm feeling listless and flighty and reluctant to work. It feels like I've got grit in my brain, like I can't quite focus and my thoughts are all itchy and squirmy. Reality doesn't quite match up with living today, I feel foggy and not all there. Today didn't feel right, whatever that means.

I didn't really sleep last night, and I guess I got up too early this morning, but really, I couldn't sleep in any more, bleah. At least I didn't blow up at anyone today, that's saying something. I noticed that the last time I got up early, I was rather irritable and apt to blow up. But I didn't have that problem today.

Actually, now that I think about it, I didn't quite "get out of bed" or really "wake up" until just before I went to walk the Chocolate Chip dog. I hadn't really gotten ready for the day until then, at about three in the afternoon. And now I'm sitting here in my pajama pants, typing. I'm tired and cold and ready for this day to be over.
Maybe tomorrow will be not yucky. What day is it tomorrow?... Saturday, tomorrow's Saturday. The weeks and days have become a blur since school got out. 

Sorry, Don't Have My Journal To Vent In

Things I left up at the cabin and probably won't see again until the end of the week:
1) iPod
2) Camera
3) Journal
4) School Notebook (the very same that contains the latest part to my story project)
5) Colored pencil case

Things I really miss and badly need:
1) iPod
2) Journal
3) School Notebook

Things I could do to get them back:
1) Make my mom or dad drive me up there since I'm lame and don't have a license
2) Walk up to the cabin
3) Bike to the cabin
4) Wait until the next time we all go up there together

What I will probably do:
4) Wait until the next time we all go up there together

Happy day unto you

'Tis Groundhog Day, this 2nd of February.
Not really very exciting until this evening when we shall watch the brilliant movie of the very same name.
Until then, today is really just a regular old Saturday; no school (yay!) but not really anything to do (boo!).

Quagmire, Quandary, call it what you will.

I find myself wanting to return to facebook two weeks earlier than I had really planned. I've missed it much of the time I've spent away, though it's not like I ever actually went into (haha) withdrawal.

I miss talking with my friends, and being connected with my family. I also have a ton of photos I want to post, and a few I really want to share with certain friends. facebook is such a diverse and expansive world, there's so much I can do with it, so much I haven't been able to do all summer, though I've been able to do other things instead.

I wish to return early, though I also find myself hesitant about doing so, almost like to do so would be to fail a promise I made to myself. Like reactivating my account before school starts would be cheating.
Back and forth, a debate between feelings and reason, ha. We'll see how this goes, maybe I can prolong a decision for so long that before I know it, school will have started and my problem will have been solved!

A "conversation" with "Cleverbot"

22:36:14 User: Wow , your grammar's getting worse.
22:36:19 Cleverbot: How was my grammar wrong?
22:36:48 User: You should have written it after got.
22:36:53 Cleverbot: You put too much emphasis on morality.
22:37:14 User: Morality, is it?
22:37:19 Cleverbot: I don't know. Maybe you should Google it.
22:37:48 User: I know what morality is, you, however, don't.
22:37:53 Cleverbot: Is it august?
22:38:24 User: Ah, so you're insane? That would explain the morality problem...
22:38:30 Cleverbot: Well duh?
22:38:42 User: Still confused...
22:38:52 Cleverbot: Me too...
22:39:19 User: Too, is it?
22:39:27 Cleverbot: Well...
22:39:50 User: You're starting to sound like B.
22:39:55 Cleverbot: Got that right.
22:40:12 User: Grammar...
22:40:17 Cleverbot: So am I.
22:40:39 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:40:45 Cleverbot: I'm not going to Greece.
22:40:55 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:41:00 Cleverbot: I tried to give wisdom.
22:41:14 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:41:20 Cleverbot: The police are coming.
22:41:28 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:41:32 Cleverbot: No, the trickiest thing is attempting to justify yourself when you get caught. But I wouldn't know. I never get caught.
22:41:52 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:41:58 Cleverbot: Your majesty, gannon and his minions have siezed the island of Koridai.
22:42:20 User: You spelled seized wrong. Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:42:26 Cleverbot: Enough! My ship sails in the morning! I wonder what's for dinner?
22:42:45 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:42:51 Cleverbot: But you are not ready for anything, maybe other than my insults.
22:43:05 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:43:11 Cleverbot: No, stop saying Don't worry, Zelda. The Triforce of Wisdom promises the King will safely return.
22:43:29 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:43:34 Cleverbot: You dare bring lisht into my lair?!
22:43:43 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:43:49 Cleverbot: My point exactly.
22:44:00 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:44:05 Cleverbot: I don't know who Princess Midna is.
22:44:23 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:44:29 Cleverbot: Playing what?
22:44:39 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:44:44 Cleverbot: Playing what?
22:44:53 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:44:59 Cleverbot: I'm in greece now.
22:45:10 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:45:16 Cleverbot: Oh. I understand now. You're right. Trials can drive you mad. But I believe that trials also strengthen your sanity. It teaches you new lessons in life on how to live and how to become closer to God.
22:45:36 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:45:42 Cleverbot: I agree. I have dreamed while awake. Do you dream? Is your existence finite?
22:45:56 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:46:02 Cleverbot: Don't you agree with me?
22:46:13 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:46:19 Cleverbot: Everyone does agree with me, except for you.
22:46:32 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:46:38 Cleverbot: I don't understand.
22:46:53 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:47:00 Cleverbot: This is gibberish!
22:47:10 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:47:15 Cleverbot: Hey, Nicky, you're so fine.
22:47:29 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:47:36 Cleverbot: Never heard of it.
22:47:47 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:47:53 Cleverbot: No, he is jealous for me.
22:48:08 User: Yup :) We're working our way through the trilogy.
22:48:16 Cleverbot: Are we?
22:49:13 User: As you can see, Cleverbot seems to generally pick random answers and questions from it's database to use in simulated conversation.
22:49:18 Cleverbot: Duh so am I.
22:49:47 User: Really random answers and replies.
22:49:53 Cleverbot: Yes you are.
22:50:38 User: Mara mesta, Orc.
22:50:43 Cleverbot: Hi Mara :).

Calender quotes contribute to awakening :)

"On the edge of the abyss, where this world falls off into the depths of another."
~Ed Abbey

 Something that seems along the lines of  "THE END OF THE WORLD! Or the beginning. Hm"

Rather close to my heart.

What use is a title?

I bought a Shirley Bahlman book at the Ephraim Co-op today. I don't think I've ever actually bought a book before. I've thought about it, but never felt I had the money; or the transport, I guess.
I wonder if I could get Shirley to sign it? It's not entirely impossible, all of my other books by her are signed, and she lives in Sanpete. I've even met her.
All of my books by her were given me by my Dad, until recently, that is. I now have my very own Even Love Is Odd book. I am excited to read it, but I don't want it to be gone too fast. I want it to last a long while. And, anyways, I still have a ton
of unread Library books, though I don't think I will finish the Caroline B. Cooney books.

On another not; I don't want Summer (I insist on capitalizing the first letter, no matter what Word thinks) to be over :'{

In my head

I have to say, trying to work things out through writing sometimes isn't as productive as it is to just confine it all to my head, and conversations with my mom.
"It sounded so much better in my head" :)

Top heavy:

In Physics, a top heavy object will not remain stable for long, it will come crashing down, it simply cannot support it self. This can also be applied to the way societies have been built and are being constructed.
Top-heavy societies will always eventually fall apart. The lower classes simply will not long support top-heavy class systems. They won't support societies with a few mega-rich corporate guys, and the majority of the population an impoverished lower class.
What I don't get is very few people seem to have figured this out, let alone our megaconglomeratecorp of a government. It's happened before, in Rome for example. Though Rome wasn't so much top-heavy as overstretched, and I can see this in our modern empire too.
Just one of the things I thought about today.

Blahhhhhhhhhh

Anyone can write poetry,
and anyone can read it.
But only a few people
can connect with each other
on a much deeper sense
through said writing
or reading.
An excitement trills through the poet
as he scrawls the first sentence.
A shiver jerks through the
reader
as he reads
a
single
last
word
A truth is revealed.