Kesang Marstrand: clear-sighted giddiness awoken within me

I think this is one of the days I've been waiting for to come to pass.
I've made a choice, and I've rediscovered something that once struck me as so beautiful, but I didn't investigate further, maybe because it just wasn't time. I took note, however, and that has enabled me to find it again.


Kesang Marstrand - The Spell I'm Under
I don't actually remember hearing this the first time, but I wrote
Kesang Marstrand 
"The spell I'm under" 
(Incredible voice, that one...) 
on a piece of paper taped to the side of my dresser. Today I glanced at it and thought it might be interesting to look the song up and listen to it again, and so began my plunge into a world I didn't know I already knew so well.
(The man in the video? The one with the baggy eyes? There is a lot of beauty in him, he just is.)

Kesang Marstrand - Colorless Farewell
Oh love, this video, this song, this may sound silly, but this is almost exactly what I would film and sing, maybe that's a little presumptive, but I feel this whole thing so deeply in my heart.
This is the music I've been looking for, the girl I thought I'd never find outside of myself.

Kesang Marstrand - Grow a Garden
This song makes me smile, this video looks so much like how I see the world, I understand it so much, I think, though that may be presumptive too, I don't care anymore, though, all that is beautiful in her I see in me, so I will try to stop being so critical of my own heart.
Everything is so profoundly beautiful lately, I thought I'd lost that, but it's been with me all along, I've just grown accustomed to everything being so beautiful, and my heart's already broken, so it doesn't break all the time every time anymore. Everything is beautiful, always.

Kesang Marstrand - Endless Skies
Different sound from a lot of her other songs. This one I don't really know how to say a lot of what it means to me. I guess I feel like hiding today, I feel like living in prayer and meditation and quiet today. Endless skies inside, you know. Reflection and introspection. Ohm.
It feels like she so freely writes the things I hold myself back from. Why?
I'm still so self-conscious of myself, of the things I like and want and discover and want to share.
You see this? What I'm doing right now? Maybe it looks uninhibited in a way, but also it's not. I choose to stop being so self-critical all the time, but I've chosen it before, and that voice is getting weaker, but it's still hanging around my neck, guarding my heart.
Today is supernova, though, a quieter sort of supernova, but supernova all the same, my heart burning pretty clear and bright. Can you see it?
My heart as the sun, dark spots here and there, but less than the light and shrinking as I see them and light them on fire again.

Kesang Marstrand - Bodega Rose
The second of her videos I watched today, right after The Spell I'm Under.

It is funny, this feeling like I know a person so well even though there's no way that's possible. Kinda naive and silly, but hey, interesante. Something to think about.
I wonder who she has loved? She sounds so earnest.
I may be supernova, but I am also eclipse and must remember to relax over and over again so the curtain may fall away.

Kesang Marstrand - Stand By Me
I think it's really cool that it looks like she just sat down and recorded this in her home one day, maybe with a phone or some sort of low-grade camera.
I guess I hold myself back in some things because I have this wish to share, but I don't think anybody wants to hear all that's in my head. Kinda the problem with my poetry lately, I write stuff and I don't like it and I figure it's not worth anything anyway. But it's still something close to my heart, things that mean a lot to me. How can one disregard and devalue the things one cares about? I guess I don't really take myself seriously, and I've noticed that in some strange, small way, I'm afraid that others will take me seriously.


I'm not sad today, I've acknowledged sadness in myself, and I've chosen to stop dwelling on that so very much, because it seems like I've become slightly bitter, and I don't want to be that. I'm still kinda snarky about myself, but hey, if I can write all of this on here, with a clear voice and steady eyes, I think I'll be ok.
Namaste

February 26, 2011. Saturday

(Funny, I skipped Friday when I wrote this, and I skipped Friday again this time around...)

I really wish I wasn't still sick, this is really 

affecting my letter length

Days eight and nine
The Weasly twins and Cedric Diggory
Dear Fred and George,
Sorry this letter is late.

You guys are awesome, you kept Hogwarts a
magical place during umbridges reign.

Love,
Amoniel


Dear Cedric,
You were pretty cool.
You were really one of the only people representing
Hufflepuff in the HP books.
I respect and admire you a lot, you were very fair, kind,
and just.

Love,
Amoniel

Analogies

Before me sits a blank page, an invitation to write, black ink to form letters to express invisible, silent thoughts.
Slowly, this blank page is filling up, a cup half full against gravity. Or rather I should say that the words and the space they begin to occupy is more like a waterfall, letters tumbling down a white page like water down a rock face.
Like a curtain drawn down, the ending punctuation to a performance, but in this case, the curtain is drawn down as the performance; when it has hit the bottom of the page, the show will be over. The curtain covers an empty stage, the curtain is actors, set, lighting, narrator all wrapped up into one rather than merely being an end.
This paper is now more than half full, more than three-quarters full, and filling up fast. The waterfall will soon hit the basin, the cup will be nigh unto overflowing, and the curtain will soon touch the bottom.
No longer blank, this paper is now a story.

Portrait of a winter walk

A brittle and
colorless leaf
shines brightly
in a stream
of dog's urine.
December sunlight
sparkles, twinkling
across the leaf
as fluffy clouds
carelessly drop
in weightless heaps
over the bowl-edge
of our mountains.

Who's to say what's impossible?

The clouds are magical. Maybe someday I will be able to paint an draw them in all they infinite glory.