I.
Do you think I could tease you out of your corner, my dear?
Take your hand and coax you from the wall.
But maybe I don't even see that as it truly is,
maybe it's not a corner, but a whole other world,
different and not so different from mine.
Perhaps you like everything just as it is.
II.
I want to reach deep into the universe,
--my arm plunged in up to my shoulder,
and pull the heart of it into sight.
I halfway suspect it would also be my heart,
your heart,
their heart.
In theory, I am the adventurous type,
In theory I want to get out, to go far, far away.
And then maybe I will come back, and I will find what I am looking for
Right here,
Where it has always been.
III.
I yelled down the stairs, deep and loud,
and in the silence left alone afterward,
a string on my guitar rang in reply,
and I smiled and laughed and said hello
before flying away.
And so it is that I always find these things again, and they are different,
I am different;
With a firefly
Blinking in my heart
and guitar dust shining golden on my fingers,
in my soul.
I think this is one of the days I've been waiting for to come to pass.
I've made a choice, and I've rediscovered something that once struck me as so beautiful, but I didn't investigate further, maybe because it just wasn't time. I took note, however, and that has enabled me to find it again.
Kesang Marstrand - The Spell I'm Under
I don't actually remember hearing this the first time, but I wrote Kesang Marstrand "The spell I'm under" (Incredible voice, that one...)
on a piece of paper taped to the side of my dresser. Today I glanced at it and thought it might be interesting to look the song up and listen to it again, and so began my plunge into a world I didn't know I already knew so well.
(The man in the video? The one with the baggy eyes? There is a lot of beauty in him, he just is.)
Kesang Marstrand - Colorless Farewell
Oh love, this video, this song, this may sound silly, but this is almost exactly what I would film and sing, maybe that's a little presumptive, but I feel this whole thing so deeply in my heart.
This is the music I've been looking for, the girl I thought I'd never find outside of myself.
Kesang Marstrand - Grow a Garden
This song makes me smile, this video looks so much like how I see the world, I understand it so much, I think, though that may be presumptive too, I don't care anymore, though, all that is beautiful in her I see in me, so I will try to stop being so critical of my own heart.
Everything is so profoundly beautiful lately, I thought I'd lost that, but it's been with me all along, I've just grown accustomed to everything being so beautiful, and my heart's already broken, so it doesn't break all the time every time anymore. Everything is beautiful, always.
Kesang Marstrand - Endless Skies
Different sound from a lot of her other songs. This one I don't really know how to say a lot of what it means to me. I guess I feel like hiding today, I feel like living in prayer and meditation and quiet today. Endless skies inside, you know. Reflection and introspection. Ohm.
It feels like she so freely writes the things I hold myself back from. Why?
I'm still so self-conscious of myself, of the things I like and want and discover and want to share.
You see this? What I'm doing right now? Maybe it looks uninhibited in a way, but also it's not. I choose to stop being so self-critical all the time, but I've chosen it before, and that voice is getting weaker, but it's still hanging around my neck, guarding my heart.
Today is supernova, though, a quieter sort of supernova, but supernova all the same, my heart burning pretty clear and bright. Can you see it?
My heart as the sun, dark spots here and there, but less than the light and shrinking as I see them and light them on fire again.
Kesang Marstrand - Bodega Rose
The second of her videos I watched today, right after The Spell I'm Under.
It is funny, this feeling like I know a person so well even though there's no way that's possible. Kinda naive and silly, but hey, interesante. Something to think about.
I wonder who she has loved? She sounds so earnest.
I may be supernova, but I am also eclipse and must remember to relax over and over again so the curtain may fall away.
Kesang Marstrand - Stand By Me
I think it's really cool that it looks like she just sat down and recorded this in her home one day, maybe with a phone or some sort of low-grade camera.
I guess I hold myself back in some things because I have this wish to share, but I don't think anybody wants to hear all that's in my head. Kinda the problem with my poetry lately, I write stuff and I don't like it and I figure it's not worth anything anyway. But it's still something close to my heart, things that mean a lot to me. How can one disregard and devalue the things one cares about? I guess I don't really take myself seriously, and I've noticed that in some strange, small way, I'm afraid that others will take me seriously.
I'm not sad today, I've acknowledged sadness in myself, and I've chosen to stop dwelling on that so very much, because it seems like I've become slightly bitter, and I don't want to be that. I'm still kinda snarky about myself, but hey, if I can write all of this on here, with a clear voice and steady eyes, I think I'll be ok.
Namaste
So yeah, I'm totally cheating on how I tune the guitar now... But at least I know what I'm doing! And dad said to... He's right of course, and my ear for it has gotten a lot better since I started using the chromatic tuner app dad showed me. It's a lot of fun :)
I would take you into my ribcage,
Swallowed whole into the heart of me,
All the light of you
Sun and moon.
A wish shared by all,
Perhaps to return to what we came from,
A larger whole
That we feel even in life.
Blame it on the sun,
Its light will always set me on fire,
Reflected or otherwise.
II
The question is,
Are you mine already?
Or rather, are we all everybody's?
We all share life,
The great thread through being...
So, are your photons mine,
That which resonates with me?
Pieces of you bouncing around,
Greeting pieces of me;
Us, not self,
But a great mix of you, me, everybody
And all.
Did you find what you were looking for Out there, in the sand and rock? Is that why you, so bright, (I am tuned to you, resonating with your heart, what you desired) Did you find the beauty, Is that why you did not come back?
I am tuning myself to the world-- Not at all unlike science, Or science as it should be; Science is finding that which does not resonate, And tweaking your mind -your beliefs, To the truth of dissonance.
Success! I can finally tune a guitar well enough to practice on it :)
I was certain I would never be able to tune a guitar on my own, but I plowed forward, trying it out and learning from my mistakes, and now I can say I can successfully tune a guitar.
It takes me a nice chunk of time to do it, though, so don't expect me to play you any songs at a moments notice. My silly guitar doesn't really stay in tune yet, so I have to retune it every time I get it out...
Help me. I cannot tune a guitar, and I forwent the purchase of technology because I wanted to learn how to do it on my own, by ear first. What a sorry sot I am...
But, I persist. Beh. Joyful headaches all around!
I'm not even going to try being optimistic. However, I'd like to think it's not as sorry and hopeless as it feels.
