We see what we tell ourselves to see, but this too is untrue

I keep making up all of these stories, but they interfere with sight so much, and I'm so sick of crashing down, running into walls and falling.
Now I'm lost. And even as I see where maybe I should go, or where I could go, I'm still lost. I am in a black room, with no walls, and no ceiling. There is a ring of round lights, evenly spaced all around me, but I don't know which direction to turn.
Even this is sentimental and a little silly, my dear. I feel and I try to explain, but in doing so, whatever I mean is one degree removed from what it actually is. But still I feel like I should, like it's doing me and others no good by sealing it all up tight and turning it back within. We're not meant to be a tightly wound thread, we're supposed to tie strings to others and the world, I think. Yeah, there's a way to do that destructively as well, but my metaphor is falling apart again. They always do. I start to glimpse the truth and communicate it to others, and then something flashes on the edge of my vision and I lose perspective and start spinning again.
Mostly I'm just trying to teach myself, but I do a dismal job of that as well.
I don't mean to make everything into a story. 

Damned balance. I keep falling off of that bicycle and scraping myself and other people up. 

July 21st, 2010. Wednesday. (Funny the things one doesn't remember writing.)

They call me the deer girl,
I speak with and of their
eyes, their steps delicate and
lilting.
Brown pools of soul encased within thin faces,
Nibbling at tomato plants,
A stranger's garden.
Strange encounters with wandering
animal souls.
       Summer is here,
       Where did Winter go?

Needle and Thread Knots At The Ends

I.

Life.

What about it? 

I don't get it.

Existence. 

What is it for? 

Why is it this way, with these people, in this society, on this interconnected Earth? 

II. 

Money.

What about it? 

I don't get it.

Plenty and scarcity, or the illusions therefore. 

What is it for? 

It is not for me, but I see misery all around me in its absence. 

So what of it? 

I don't know what to choose. 

I can't seem to stitch it all together. 

Then and now

That was a hill, a peak, a soaring, sweeping mountain; and this is the valley. I'm terribly terrible right now, but I careth not and I'll feel like I feel and there's nothing I can do about it. Except, maybe, you know, talk with somebody. 

Oh gods, no matter what I write or think about, it always leads back to that one subject... 

To turn the corner in avoidance of what I know is ahead, here is one of the things that has me particularly down today: there isn't much happiness here, for me or my dad. He was so happy and present and beautiful in Yellowstone and Bozeman and Livingston, my love. And I was happy too, it was all so beautiful in so many ways: the people, the landscapes, the dwellings, the dogs, the musicians, the passersby, everything. And yeah, I'm just a dumb ennui-stricken, isolated, wanderlusting and heartsick teenager. But I can see so much. I can feel so much. Right now, I hurt so much, for the reasons explained and reasons I'd prefer not to reveal right now because I'm dumb as rocks. 

There's a new song in my core, a new call in my heart. I can't really give voice to it, but it's there and it's a bit torturous and I know what caused it. But at present, it is incurable. 

I'm glad for now, but I miss then so very much, it slips by terribly fast. 

Boo

I'm afraid of looking at things straight on sometimes, because they might slip away or turn to mist in my gaze. 

If I try to hold on too hard, they may slide out of my grasp away into the dark and swift waters of time. 

Stone

This stone was born in the center of a star. This is only half of the stone, the other half is your heart, and there are stones all over the world that are missing pieces, the pieces which make up you. You will find a dozen, maybe more, stones in your lifetime, that will answer a question you didn't know you we're asking, and some will ask you a question in return. They may ask you to take them up and place them on your bookshelf at home, to be glanced upon from time to time and handled, little pieces of memory spiraling off of them. Other stones will recognize you, love you, and ask that you leave them where they are, in their home, they will be handled only In memory. Still others will remember you, joyfully greet you, and ask that you come visit them periodically over your lifetimes. 

I remember you, great yellow stone. How have you been? 

I want to create something today...

Who needs Wwoof when you can just work for the people in your community?

I've totally accidentally done my own version of WWOOF this year, except I'm the one getting paid :]
What with my dumb garden, all of the work I did over the Summer, and the work I'm doing this fall, I'm getting a couple seasons of the equivalent of signing up for WWOOF, I think.
Today I learned how to track and catch gophers, and I'm learning a lot about yard and garden winterization.

I'm still thinking I could just apprentice to people in my town instead of going to college, but that doesn't really solve my problem of not knowing anyone my age :/ Oy... 

Trying to Fit into this Crazy, Beautiful World

It may not look like it from outside appearances, but I am fierce. This ferocity of character is manifested in both my mind and heart. In life I am struggling to come to terms with my intensity and my wish to allow things to be, as well as who I am and who people think I am, or what the norm in people of my age and sex is. 

In love I am fierce, loyal, and dedicated. I care deeply about my friends and family, and I have an intense will to protect and help them in their life paths. Deep respect for everyone I love prevents me from trying to protect them, however, because I have learned that it is not possible to protect anyone from everything. They will do and feel as they will, regardless of what I want. Because of this ferocity in relationships, I tend to hold myself back, afraid of imposing on or scaring away the other person.

In learning, as in loving, I am fierce and focused, as much as I possibly can be. I pay close attention to everything. As a baby, I was wide-eyed and intensely interested in everything going on around me. I never really left behind this trait, though I think I’ve learned to tone it down. I am afraid of alarming other people, sometimes I feel like I’m far too strange, far too out of the norm in my interest in life and people and this crazy, beautiful world. This is tempered by the fact that I will never stop, couldn’t possibly stop being interested in learning all I possibly can in everything available to me. I treat everything as a learning practice; the study of people; the study of animals, their personalities, habits, and quirks; the study of history; the study of spirituality and the universe; the study of math: Everything. I learn from everything I encounter. 

In these two things, which encompass the whole of my life and purpose (what ever that is), I have struggled to come to terms with who I am, who I’d like to be, and what the majority of people can deal with, or truthfully; what I think they can deal with. In some ways, I have found a good balance between the two; in others, not so much. I have gotten into a habit of masking myself because of what I perceive other people can handle, which isn’t really fair to them or me. Why should I choose to hide myself from someone who could possibly like me all the better for who I am? And why should I lead them on with something that isn’t true, and possibly hinder them from finding what they’re actually looking for? By keeping these two things in mind, I have been able to emerge from the shell I’ve hidden in since I was eleven a little bit more everyday, and as a result, my life is a lot happier and more interesting than it had been. For the most part, I’m balanced pretty well, though there’s still some stuff I’d like to tweak; I hold back my thoughts and words too much even though I am very talkative by nature.

I am intense, fierce, passionate, though it isn't all of who I am. I seek a harmony between who I am on all levels; I am both fierce and cautious; both intense and calm; both focused and wandering. I’m not very outgoing, an encompassment of all these traits, at first glance or first meeting; but these things are, at the core, a very big part of who I am. I am fierce.

Further Adventures in Tuning

So yeah, I'm totally cheating on how I tune the guitar now... But at least I know what I'm doing! And dad said to... He's right of course, and my ear for it has gotten a lot better since I started using the chromatic tuner app dad showed me. It's a lot of fun :) 

Malala Yousafzi on the daily show and activism in general

Oh gordy, with people like Malala Yousafzi on this Earth, why does it not seem like anything is getting better? 

Or more to the point, how the heck does one decide to be that outspoken in spite of possible consequences? 

It feels like there is a need for more people like that, it feels like that is what would turn things around. We are headed in such a terrible direction, and yeah, I can't see the future, but I've learned a little of the past, however misrepresented that may be, but I don't know enough to see if it'll all be okay or if we're just building the world of 1984. That is somewhere I do not want to be, somewhere I don't want anyone to be, friends, relatives, strangers, the birds and bugs and trees. 

But what is one to do? I am a person who is extremely intimidated by possible consequences. And I don't really know how or if not to be. 

(Link, if'n you want to know what the heck I'm talking about:">Malala Yousafzi on the Daily Show It is not that I am in awe of her, for she is doing what every human being can and ought to do, it is that I wonder why on Earth more do not)

Blame it on the Sun

I would take you into my ribcage,
Swallowed whole into the heart of me,
All the light of you
Sun and moon.

A wish shared by all,
Perhaps to return to what we came from,
A larger whole
That we feel even in life.

Blame it on the sun,
Its light will always set me on fire,
Reflected or otherwise.

II

The question is,
Are you mine already?
Or rather, are we all everybody's?
We all share life,
The great thread through being...

So, are your photons mine,
That which resonates with me?
Pieces of you bouncing around,
Greeting pieces of me;
Us, not self,
But a great mix of you, me, everybody
And all.

My love,
The sun
My god,
All life.

We,
You and me,
Are nothing more than
Everything.

Panorama from Arches National Park

Happy place.

Untitled #5

I am sitting in this chair

Listenering,

Hands woven over my face

Like a totem pole knot,

Burning black:

Burning dark.

Burning blue

Furtive, looking but not looking.

The sun is shining again.

Itself, burning; 

yellow, slow and fast.

Ohhhhm...

Radiating, 

But I don't know if it is 

To attract, 

Or to keep all away. 

It is half, one to another: 

Some would come near, 

Others, most certainly repelled. 

For we are all burning, 

Consumed by the colors of our hearts. 

I swear it isn't on purpose...
Yeesh.

Everett Ruess

Did you find what you were looking for
Out there, in the sand and rock? 
Is that why you, so bright, 
(I am tuned to you, resonating with your heart, what you desired)
Did you find the beauty, 
Is that why you did not come back? 

The Sun is an Enormous Guitar

I am tuning myself to the world--
Not at all unlike science,
Or science as it should be;
Science is finding that which does not resonate, 
And tweaking your mind -your beliefs, 
To the truth of dissonance.

Guitar tuning (persistence pays off!)

Success! I can finally tune a guitar well enough to practice on it :)

I was certain I would never be able to tune a guitar on my own, but I plowed forward, trying it out and learning from my mistakes, and now I can say I can successfully tune a guitar.

It takes me a nice chunk of time to do it, though, so don't expect me to play you any songs at a moments notice. My silly guitar doesn't really stay in tune yet, so I have to retune it every time I get it out...