Trying to Fit into this Crazy, Beautiful World

It may not look like it from outside appearances, but I am fierce. This ferocity of character is manifested in both my mind and heart. In life I am struggling to come to terms with my intensity and my wish to allow things to be, as well as who I am and who people think I am, or what the norm in people of my age and sex is. 

In love I am fierce, loyal, and dedicated. I care deeply about my friends and family, and I have an intense will to protect and help them in their life paths. Deep respect for everyone I love prevents me from trying to protect them, however, because I have learned that it is not possible to protect anyone from everything. They will do and feel as they will, regardless of what I want. Because of this ferocity in relationships, I tend to hold myself back, afraid of imposing on or scaring away the other person.

In learning, as in loving, I am fierce and focused, as much as I possibly can be. I pay close attention to everything. As a baby, I was wide-eyed and intensely interested in everything going on around me. I never really left behind this trait, though I think I’ve learned to tone it down. I am afraid of alarming other people, sometimes I feel like I’m far too strange, far too out of the norm in my interest in life and people and this crazy, beautiful world. This is tempered by the fact that I will never stop, couldn’t possibly stop being interested in learning all I possibly can in everything available to me. I treat everything as a learning practice; the study of people; the study of animals, their personalities, habits, and quirks; the study of history; the study of spirituality and the universe; the study of math: Everything. I learn from everything I encounter. 

In these two things, which encompass the whole of my life and purpose (what ever that is), I have struggled to come to terms with who I am, who I’d like to be, and what the majority of people can deal with, or truthfully; what I think they can deal with. In some ways, I have found a good balance between the two; in others, not so much. I have gotten into a habit of masking myself because of what I perceive other people can handle, which isn’t really fair to them or me. Why should I choose to hide myself from someone who could possibly like me all the better for who I am? And why should I lead them on with something that isn’t true, and possibly hinder them from finding what they’re actually looking for? By keeping these two things in mind, I have been able to emerge from the shell I’ve hidden in since I was eleven a little bit more everyday, and as a result, my life is a lot happier and more interesting than it had been. For the most part, I’m balanced pretty well, though there’s still some stuff I’d like to tweak; I hold back my thoughts and words too much even though I am very talkative by nature.

I am intense, fierce, passionate, though it isn't all of who I am. I seek a harmony between who I am on all levels; I am both fierce and cautious; both intense and calm; both focused and wandering. I’m not very outgoing, an encompassment of all these traits, at first glance or first meeting; but these things are, at the core, a very big part of who I am. I am fierce.