Sisyphus

I'm still just a child.

18 going on 19 going on four.

Messy hair and no driver's license,

baggy clothes and sometimes,

when I look into a stranger's face, I want to cry.

Locked in a glass box,

futilely beating at the walls 

I never knew were there until now. 

The only changes I can think of to make 

are my own appearance;

Shave my head or dye my hair. 

Even that, though, I only ponder doing.

So I study; people, schoolwork, society at large.

Moving tiny pebbles, 

trying to carve a door into a mountain

and getting infinitesimally closer each hour.

Upbeat Whining: At Least, That is What I Tell Myself

The thing is, I don't want to live in a dystopia, I don't want to raise a family in a dystopic society. I don't pretend to be an expert, but books of that genre don't end well. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl and everything is wonderful for a short time until they get torn apart through horrible and inhumane circumstances involving a crippling, crushing government.  What could be more important and more dangerous in such societies besides love and friendship and human relationship in general?

In a lot of ways, this society feels like it is dystopic, and getting worse. However, even as I do my best to navigate the bureaucratic hell of emerging into adulthood, there are also bright, beautiful people growing organic gardens in their front yards, and other people building tiny homes for themselves and others out of reclaimed materials. There are organizations working for the betterment of the human race and condition, and individuals crying out for the inclusion of environment and kindness in all of our dealings instead of pollution and greed.
I'm hopelessly apathetic, but also detrimentally idealistic. Even as I despair for the future, mine in particular and the world's in general, I can see seedlings of change growing from the ashes of everything past.
I've had an allegory for many years now, related in the following paragraph, that I used to tell my mom whenever she was despairing about the direction the world was headed in. I'm not entirely sure I believe in it as much as I once did -I've gained experience and some degree of cynicism, but the allegory has become woven into my being, enmeshed within my thought processes and viewpoint;
Even as society drags humanity deeper into depression and oppression, there are vast numbers of people waking up and figuring out better ways to live and grow and cooperate. Humanity is in the midst of the creation of a new world, and destruction of the old. There's a graph in my head for this concept, a sort of crossing of lines, the gentle slope of hope and change for the better, intersecting the jagged line of corruption and oppression, fighting for every pinnacle even as it slides deeper into oblivion.
It takes time for things to balance out, and I know I won't remain unaffected by everything, but I can still hold onto hope and choose to see the optimistic light amid the sometimes overwhelming darkness. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

A selection of Sunbeams, The SUN magazine issue 237

"What does education often do? It makes a straight-cut ditch of a free, meandering brook. "

Henry David Thoreau

"Prayer gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself."

Dean Inge 

"Whatever our point of view or frame of reference, the world is richer and more amazing than we realize. All frames of reference are limited. All points of view can be supplemented by further experience under new and various conditions."

Donald Granger 

"Both class and race survive education, and neither should. What is education then? If it doesn't help a human being to recognize that humanity is humanity, what is it for? So you can make a bigger salary than other people?"

Beah Richards 

"In the late 1600s the finest instruments originated from three rural families whose workshops were side by side in the Italian village of Cremona. First were the Amatis, and outside their shop hung a sign: "The best violins in all Italy." Not to be outdone, their next-door-neighbors, the family Guarnerius, hung a bolder sign proclaiming: "The Best Violins In All The World!" At the end of the street was the workshop of Anton Stradivarius, and on its front door was a simple notice which read: "The best violins on the block." "

Freda Bright 

"The way to get things done is not to mind who gets the credit for doing them."

Benjamin Jowett

Malala Yousafzi on the daily show and activism in general

Oh gordy, with people like Malala Yousafzi on this Earth, why does it not seem like anything is getting better? 

Or more to the point, how the heck does one decide to be that outspoken in spite of possible consequences? 

It feels like there is a need for more people like that, it feels like that is what would turn things around. We are headed in such a terrible direction, and yeah, I can't see the future, but I've learned a little of the past, however misrepresented that may be, but I don't know enough to see if it'll all be okay or if we're just building the world of 1984. That is somewhere I do not want to be, somewhere I don't want anyone to be, friends, relatives, strangers, the birds and bugs and trees. 

But what is one to do? I am a person who is extremely intimidated by possible consequences. And I don't really know how or if not to be. 

(Link, if'n you want to know what the heck I'm talking about:">Malala Yousafzi on the Daily Show It is not that I am in awe of her, for she is doing what every human being can and ought to do, it is that I wonder why on Earth more do not)

Ooniverse

Hello love,
I'm in a weird space today, a weird mood. School all day; too much math, a little reading, a bit of writing, the rain pouring on and off all morning and most of the afternoon. Storms give me such a different, new way of being; introspective and reflective, an eye turned inwards with eyebrow raised.
I love it, I love storms, the rain and darkness and lightning and thunder. I woke early this morning to lightning flashing outside of my window as everyone else slept and murmured in their dreams.

Life is so strange, do you have any idea how strange it is? Living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and suddenly whole years have passed by. This strange human invention called "time", that has almost nothing to do with how the world truly works, and yet it fits together perfectly.
I don't think I believe in duality, but I think in contradictions, nothing fits together perfectly, or rather, it all connects in a great big knotty mess.
This world, this society, I've said it too many times: but I don't understand it. It's destroying us, our humanity and souls and relationships with ourselves, each other, and Mother Earth. I gave her my whole heart, but I don't think it helps, it doesn't seem to be helping. I don't know what to do. How to change the world when it feels bent on twisting you, when it's twisting the people around you? How to live when it seems so hard to survive... I don't want the future that is presenting itself to mankind, or rather, the future mankind seems bent on pursuing. They think it is progress. Ha. We took a wrong turn on a wrong path, and yet we're still so smug about our superiority.

That was a ll a strange change of subject I suppose, but the sun is coming out, and the shadows grow longer.

Because this just came up on a movie we've started, I shall end this prattling post with a quote that seems relevant, hopefully:

"The world is his,
who can see through its pretension...
See it to be a lie, and you have already dealt it
its mortal blow."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ramblings

I wish to create a place of complete understanding and balance within myself.
Or maybe I should say; I wish to be completely understanding and balanced as a whole.
I do not wish to be influenced by fear, but by truth and compassion, and by clarity of sight.

This world is terrifying. This make-believe society and human world-view are terrifying and destructive.
I do not wish to be a part of it, but I do not see a way out. I am not really a part of society right now, but I depend upon people who are, and this is not fair to them, nor is it going to change anything. How can I ask for change, hope for change, dearly, dearly want change if I do nothing to oppose the thing that disturbs me?
I've hoped all along to create world of beauty and kindness around my family and myself in safety and cooperation, but as I grow older, this hope seems more and more unrealistic, though I find  that much of what human beings call "reality" is entirely made up by them anyway. Why should I accept and integrate into a world I do not agree on or even like?
I'm finding myself torn between this God I pray to and speak with, and a hopelessness in my heart that is a response to the hopelessness I see in this world and whispers "How could any god exist and allow all of this pain and hardship to be imposed upon people deemed weak by the arrogant, delusional "strong"?"

This adulthood, this "growing up" has created a strange duality within my being, a push and pull of high, heart-felt ideals and new, incredibly disillusioning glimpses of the world I live in.
I crave quiet from my constant thinking, and balance in the wild pendulum of my heart.
I keep thinking over and over; we must have a place in nature, in ecosystem and earth and the balance of life. And I keep thinking; Why have we lost it?

(An article I read this morning that contributed to things already on my mind and heart: activist post.com "Civil disobedience or death by design" . Not terrifying as some things are, for it is not actually an exclamation of "oh no we're all going to die", but a call to action and empowerment, and brings attention to the things that people in power are imposing upon this world.)

a selection of sunbeams from The SUN Magazine October 2007 with Society lyrics played by Eddie Vedder

"The most striking contradiction of our civilization is the fundamental reverence for truth that we profess, and the thoroughgoing disregard for it that we practice."
-Vilhjalmur Stefansson

"In order to live with integrity, we must stop fragmenting and compartementalizing our lives. Telling lies at work and then expecting great truths in meditation os nonsensical"
-Sharon Salzburg

"You don't see things are they are. You see things as you are."
-Talmud

"The experience is there, the reality is there, but how to get at it? Everything I type turns into a lie simply because it is not the truth."
-Joyce Carol Oates

"Could anything be absurder than a man? The animal who knows everything about himself -- except why he was born and the meaning of his unique life?"
-Margaret Storm Jameson
(The meaning of life?... We fit into nature someplace, why don't we seem to anymore? How do we remember again?)


"Say not "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth"."
-Kahlil Gibran


"Society " Written by Jerry Joseph Hannan, performed by Eddie VedderIt's a mystery to meWe have a greed with which we have agreedYou think you have to want more than you needUntil you have it all you won't be free
Society, you're a crazy breedI hope you're not lonely without me
When you want more than you haveYou think you needAnd when you think more than you wantYour thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place'Cause when you have more than you thinkYou need more space
Society, you're a crazy breedI hope you're not lonely without meSociety, crazy and deepI hope you're not lonely without me
There's those thinking more or less, less is moreBut if less is more how you're keeping score?Means for every point you make your level dropsKinda like it's starting from the top, you can't do that
Society, you're a crazy breedI hope you're not lonely without meSociety, crazy and deepI hope you're not lonely without me
Society, have mercy on meI hope you're not angry if I disagreeSociety, crazy and deepI hope you're not lonely without me

Out of the box we call politics (I'll just say it like I feel it)

How is it that people still believe in all of these useless structures of society? Why are we letting it go on? What could we possibly do to change it all?
Politics are useless; politicians only care about their own agendas and getting re elected, and besides, they are so easily bought off in this age and time. Their usefulness to the people has come to an end. I won't deny that they did their jobs properly for a time, but it's time for something new. The nature of time is change, the nature of nature is change, but here we are, stubborn humans holding so desperately onto outdated notions, values, and structures.
But how do we, the ones who see, change anything? We are so rarely the ones in power, we are so often seemingly powerless. The things that facilitated change in the past have been rendered impotent. Nobody listens to us. The founding fathers didn't trust the common people to make the right decisions for the better good of all, and this is still the perception.
But it's time for something new, it's been so long since we've tried anything radical, or revolutionary in our societal structures. Why not do away with structure all together? I have no idea if the majority of people would be able to handle it, but we've used caste and class systems for so long, it is time for something new.

Pretend

Anybody know what the meaning of life is?

My heart feels like a slack tangle of directionless string.
I've felt the knots before, but this is different, a knotted heart is anger, frustration, and all around crankiness; a loosely tangled string-heart is much more despairing, helpless and clueless. Denoting a lank, fractured view of the world. Don't know why or how or when or where, but you still have that wanting.
It's like nothing is real, nothing matters. This reality is so superficial and hollow feeling, like a teetering tower of empty cardboard boxes. We made this world, and it's un-making us.

Lend an ear.

Our society has short term memory loss.