Awake, under the sky

There's a thunderstorm outside my window.
We watched it from our back porch,
lightning turning night to day in the bed-sheet clouds.
Rain caught up to us over our end of the valley,
wind whipping the trees in an energetic dance
of thrashing, coin-like leaves.
I am inside, almost ready to sleep, noises creaking
and shutting and humming all around as my family
readies for comfortable, dry sleep
under the sky, awake. 

I am hungry, but I can say nothing of what they are

So it has been a very long time since I last wrote something long and driveling and soul excavating on this blathering blog home of mine, dusty, stale boot prints be durned.
Where to begin, little brother? Where to begin?
City people make my heart feel like a desert. First the Beehive Bazaar, and today, the weekend of Heritage (The thief of Memorial.) But today was different in that I spoke to at least two strangers who made me feel human instead of like a hot air balloon. All of the cotton-candy words I spin to keep these seemingly hollow people filled up... but of course, they aren't hollow. How could they actually be hollow? They must be human.
I am so tired and my legs are branches turned upside down. It was good to walk through rain-wet grass and alfalfa by the roadside this evening, it was good to renew my connection to the ground after a day standing and walking and answering questions and peering into unknown eyes.
Still, it was beautiful. Draining, but beautiful. Always beautiful, always an opportunity to learn and grow. Any dissatisfaction I experience would be an extension of my own yearning, my own wanting, my own missing. And, love, I miss so very much. 

One way to do one of those "looking back over the year" things...

Subject: Bridging the gaps of an evolving heart
After watching "DMT: the spirit molecule", having finished, started, and finished two crochet projects of the prettiest color. 10/10/12

This morning was lovely in so many ways, as I lay here, listening to "Secret on the moors" by David Arkenstone and remembering hanging out with Starchild and Yo at Starchild's apartment, I am happy. 10/23/12

Sledding at the cabin, underneath the full moon with my siblings. Everything so bright and beautiful and happy. December 28th 2012

Subject: The smell, sound, feel of rain. Utter bliss with siblings.
Running around the block, bare feet and socks slapping on the wet asphalt, one of my brothers took his shoes off at the start of the third black, barely in the faint orange light of the lamppost. Torthadiel, Erumeren, Hammer head and me. 4/1/13

Sigur Ros Untitiled No. 3 in my room, dark from the overcast sky outside. I am working on my bacterium story, happy to write unreigned, unrestrained. The song turned up as high as it can go, humming in my bones, sweet in my throat and loud in my ears, my heart rejoicing. 5/17/13

Subject: Contact from very dear old friends 3/28/13
Receiving an email forwarded by dad from our dear friends -- They say they have internet now and they'd like to skype with us!

The Fresh New Ending Of A Season (A series of portraits)

And the town is ours on this muffled cloudy morning,
Everything silent, so that a dog's howling is unnaturally loud,
heartbreaking and a little eerie;
A baby bird's chirping underneath a dumpster;
Earsplitting,
Sending the dog into a frenzy, so that I cannot investigate further.

The ground is damp beneath my bare feet, her paws
And we brush raindrops like jewels from long, bent dry-grass as we walk by.

There, a perfect brown aspen leaf on the sidewalk,
Raindrops collected in its hollow.

Further down, bright white flowers catch my eye
Among a lush forest of squash vines cascading over a wrought-iron fence.

Hello! The man across the street calls after my soft exclamation of wonder,
Hello! Is my answer, and we exchange how do you do's before continuing on.

(I write about walking and rain, nothing new, but never the same.)

Clouds

Dancing in the rain yesterday

Rain

It's raining!

It's raining!

Yes, it's raining, and earlier it was very windy and overcast, my favorite kind of weather. Wind makes me gloriously happy, I don't know why, but something in me rises to meet and match the power of the wind blowing before rain.
I went to walk the Chocolate Chip dog right as all of this was starting up, and I took my little sisters with me. I walked them back to the adopted sister's house after we got Chocolate Chip, though, the wind was a little too crazy for little girls in summery clothing and bare feet.
It was a nice walk, though short.

I love wind and I love rain, I love walking and running and playing in it. It would be nice if we got more of it, but I guess that makes it all the sweeter. 

Happy box thoughts

Subject: The smell, sound, feel of rain. Utter bliss with siblings.
4/1/13
Running around the block, bare feet and socks slapping on the wet asphalt. Jesse took his shoes off at the start of the third block, barely in the faint orange light of a lamppost. Jm, Torthadiel, TE  and me.

Subject: Wet cloth and fur under gray skies.
Running through the rain with the Chocolate Chip dog, her leash in one hand, my umbrella flapping in the air in the other. Elation, wet, wonderful happiness.
5/7/13

Subject: Easter
Mar/31/13
Hiding eggs around the yard with B and the big kids and then watching the little kids dart to and fro, spotting the eggs in the high places, seizing the ones in the low.

Rain Is Joy

Funny how rain represents joy to me, I've been happier today than I have been in a while.

Death Is Stupid

Death is stupid
Unexpected
Shocking
Jolting
Strange
Unexplained
Unworded
Misunderstood
And
Ubiquitous.

Does it really have to BE?
Does it have to be?

Soul puckers

I don't really mind
being alone.
It still hurts.
Seeing everyone else
in their gaggles, pairs
and amoebas,
hurts,
rain pours in my heart
for an instant.
The agony is fleeting,
I talk myself out
of the feelings,
the thoughts.
Too many people
have left me,
throwing half-glances
and stinging backward waves.
I must not wallow
in my puddle of tears
long,
I cannot seem to harden
it pains me
worse
every new 
colorful,
soul-shattering
parting.

Mud stomp

It rained in torrents.
The best kind of rain.
The best kind of rain for dancing.
I took my iPod and head phones out with me, slightly afraid of electrocution, but not enough to turn me from my mission. My bare feet loved the squishy mud and clear water. If I was going to dance on the wet dirt,  I might as well do it unshod.
My iPod was on shuffle, it took me awhile to find a song with a good beat. When I did, there was nothing to stop me from stomping, leaping, and twirling in delight. I was on fire, and the rain cooled me off.
In only felt a little self-conscious, but not enough to make a difference. I delighted in my rain dance, why have I never tried before? Why has it never occurred to me to dance as the heavens poured out life to my Earth? I suppose it's because I never had a very transportable form of music before, one can't just lug a boom box or a radio into the pouring water.
Right as I began to surf shuffle again, my iPod died, and my private party came to an end. But that was okay, the rain had stopped, I was ready to go in.