Then and now

That was a hill, a peak, a soaring, sweeping mountain; and this is the valley. I'm terribly terrible right now, but I careth not and I'll feel like I feel and there's nothing I can do about it. Except, maybe, you know, talk with somebody. 

Oh gods, no matter what I write or think about, it always leads back to that one subject... 

To turn the corner in avoidance of what I know is ahead, here is one of the things that has me particularly down today: there isn't much happiness here, for me or my dad. He was so happy and present and beautiful in Yellowstone and Bozeman and Livingston, my love. And I was happy too, it was all so beautiful in so many ways: the people, the landscapes, the dwellings, the dogs, the musicians, the passersby, everything. And yeah, I'm just a dumb ennui-stricken, isolated, wanderlusting and heartsick teenager. But I can see so much. I can feel so much. Right now, I hurt so much, for the reasons explained and reasons I'd prefer not to reveal right now because I'm dumb as rocks. 

There's a new song in my core, a new call in my heart. I can't really give voice to it, but it's there and it's a bit torturous and I know what caused it. But at present, it is incurable. 

I'm glad for now, but I miss then so very much, it slips by terribly fast.