Morning Musings

I want to be a mystic. I want to devote my life to the pursuit of learning and spirituality. I really want to get married and have a family as well. A career or any kind of work outside of my own home and family would make this very hard. 

I don't want to work. 

But I don't know what to do, okay? Because yeah, I'd like to be some form of independent for a while, I'd like to travel and live and take care of myself, but what do you need in this world for anything? You need money, dammit. I have a really weird mindset about money, a really weird relationship with it. I hate it but I understand why it has its place in this world and that it is kind of essential right now. Sort of, but not really. And I deeply hope I can live to the age where it is given up as the bad and destructive habit it is. Maybe I'd like to help bring that day to a pass, but I don't know how to do that. Living as I do in my parent's house, relying on god's will and kindnesses: the kindnesses of other people (that must never be forgotten, and thanks must always touch down there first), all of these things generally spring from money in some form or another. Not my own money, but somebody else's. So here I am, avoiding attachment to money and the making of it, but it's still all around me like a hobbit tangled in spider web. 

I have this idealistic vision of what I want my life to be, and it's constantly changing, but there isn't a bridge between now and "the future" yet. I think I've given up on the wanting for saviors, that was never very realistic. Still, there's a balance between relying on your own strength and trusting the community you build around you. I don't think we're meant to be alone or fanatically independent ever, it's not very healthy for the heart or mind. 

I want to be a mystic, I am a mystic, but I guess I'm cloistered right now, all shut up in my monastery, or, what's the Buddhist word? Maybe that's what I need to grow into, what I'm trying to find my way into, there's a Buddhist word for a spiritual community, the people around you who support you in your pursuit of living a life of revelation. Maybe I'm making this up, but it does sound lovely. I guess mostly I just need to connect all of this "then" in my head to now. 

Hello idealistic future, I always forget that you live within the present.