I'm sorry, little brother, but I'm not all here lately. To be honest, there's a part of me missing, and it walks the world somewhere else. It was taken from me piece by piece, but I gave it all willingly.
I keep anchoring myself to things beyond my control, and this is never good because when nothing works out, I am lost.
It's just, I don't really feel like anything matters lately, not my emotions or wants or feelings, and this applies to the outside world and other people to an extent. It's like I just can't care, but that's not true because I really do care and that's why I'm so sad right now, and why everything that happened yesterday affected me so much even though I tried not to let it because nothing matters; The leak in the gallery, the crabby lady, the blithe and standoffish musicians. But it's not like I see anything truly, it's not like I judged anything correctly. And my eyesight is especially cloudy and fractured lately. And there was some good stuff to balance out the hurtful.
It's true, I'm my biggest bully. And I really don't know how to stop.
It's hard to say stuff to other people out loud, because when you put something in another person, maybe it can't change. But I guess that's operating on the belief that other people are stagnant manikins. I don't know, sometimes I forget that other people are real, but maybe they don't often give me a reason to believe they are. But that's not true either, that's looking at one facet on the stone of life and experience and forgetting all other sides. I can't look at or remember every single side all of the time though, because it feels like I only live one after the other, like there can be no two together.
I don't want to be in my head anymore. I don't really want to exist anymore, but this too should not be taken seriously because I think of it in a transitory sense, I don't consider nonexistence to be a permanent state.
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