I feel so trapped on so many levels. I know this isn't always the way I feel, but when I feel like this, it feels like it's how things are always going to be, and possibly how things always have been. I know that's not true though, I've had times of immense happiness and freedom, when all else didn't matter, and all things worrisome became inconsequential.
I've been having a difficult time lately adjusting my voice to say what I really mean. Another side to this problem is I become disgusted and angry with myself for everything I try to do or think. I feel like I can't write anything worth sharing, and nothing flows as smoothly and clearly as I expect it to. I have an aversion to writing anything remotely like what I've written in the past, but everything I say, I have said at least once before, or I have said in a similar way.
I dislike using any format I'm used to working in; stream-of-consciousness, free-form poetry, or loose essay. However, I can't seem to apply myself to anything new or difficult, which only worsens my frustration with myself.
I don't know how to end this. I see many pathways, but like I said, I feel trapped and every voice I try seems loathsome in a way. I mean, even just writing all of this out awakens insidious thoughts. Saying anything at all seems demonstrative, but holding everything in isn't working either, and at least writing is a confrontation of fears and thoughts and feelings.
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